Breaking the habit

Looking back, I clearly see
What it is, that's killing me
Through the eyes, I wanna know
I see a vision, once let go
I had it all
Constantly it burdens me
So hard a choice, I can't believe
I lost the faith, I lost the love
But when the day is done

Man please some one rescue me. I am fed of running away from the realities that bites me. I m fed of rocking in some other's shoes pretending what I am not , lying from all.I always knew reality bites and it sux big time but it had never allowed me to breathe free, to live free. I always wanted to be an escapist, searching for scapegoats but everytime I was just fooling myself. Rather I made myself my own nemesis now whom I can't even face . Every inch of my body is calling from the inside but I had been a deaf ear.
Yesterday after such an eventful day, where we laughed and moved at will, there were some bad news for NAk and Jojo like the loss of his digicam and the loss of memory card of Jojo. Though I felt bad for NAK and took the responsibilty of informing Jojo abt the mishap,but was still not sure what was awaiting for me.
And after the return from the rock concert, I checked my result and than I realised that the castle I had built was crushing down on me. Seems it was built on the air, widout ne foundation or I mite have designed that in intoxicated state. At that instant I realised how wrong I was in bunking classes. I don't remember exactly the last time I felt so low because of my academics. I was never such a bad student, but now I realise how wrong I was. I am too poor in academics , in everything that I thot I am not.
But one gud thing was that finally I had found who all are conspiring against me .My first nemesis is the time. I always thot life as a circle, U always get back to the place where u left once in a while, and in the race against time I thot I was leading the race but I was a fool not to face the reality there even. Life and time where too far ahead of me and were just going to takeover for the second time. The memoirs of feb 25th, will always haunt me making me restless. First it was the day when I parted my ways from someone I loved too much, second time was the first campus recruitment day and I wasn't selected and finally this feb 25th my 7th sem results were out. God , I dunno what mistake I had done or whether these are the sour grapes before u make me realise the taste of sweet grapes, but to be frank I don't to live life like being a loser, a frustrated soul making compromises and all those bull shit stuffs that I had been addicted to . But my worst nemesis is my own self. Now I realise that I had been trying to be Janus, showing everyone what I am not but hiding the real me from others. I thot of giving some time, but time never thot the same way. When this began,I had nothing to say and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me.I was confused,and I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind inside of me.And I've got nothing to say.I can't still believe I didn't fall right down on my face. I was looking everywhere Only to find that world is not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.So what am I,What do I have but negativity 'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me. I had nothing to gain but had everything to lose and since than I mite have gained nething externally but internally I was losing out my ownself.And the fault is my own. I am wounded internally and I am bleeding but no one cud see the pain that i have crushing on myself, and I think I will never know until my wounds are healed and I have to that of my own.I was pretending, When I pretend,everything is what I want it to be I look exactly like what you had always wanted to see and when I pretend I forgot about the criminal I am.
But now I have discovered the truth that it's always easier to run than to face the truth. Something has been taken from deep inside of me, a secret I've kept locked away.No one can ever see wounds so deep they never showand they never go away,like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
And now I wish if I could change,take back the pain, retrace every wrong move that I made,if I could stand up and take the blame and if I could take all the shame to the grave.
I cannot take this anymore I'm saying everything I've said before.All these things make no sense.I'm about to break and I need a little room to breathe. I had discovered the answers aren't so clear,nothing seems to go away but now I know time has come for me to break away.I will forfeit the game,before somebody else
Takes me out of the frame & Puts my name to shame. I will Cover up my face,I can’t run the race.The pace is too fast I just won't last.
I love the way I look at myself,While taking pleasure in the awful things I put myself through.I take away if I give in n now my life is gone way of its morning & my pride is broken.
But now comes the million dollar question, How can I be myself, I have thot many a times but never came close to ne conclusion.What do I do to ignore them behind me?Do I follow my instincts blindly?.Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams and give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness, Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?. Its because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin. I made the right moves but I’m lost within,I put on my daily facade but then I just end up getting hurt again.I kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart.What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time.I’m sick of the tension, sick of the hunger. While I find a place to rest,I want to be in another place.I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy and I want a place for my head, I want to have a little room for myself, i wanna break free. But now I will change my habits , my living , my attitude . Hope this is going to work out fine .

Breaking The habit : by Linkin Park

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
[Unless I try to start again]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That i'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Tonight