Looking back, I clearly see
What it is, that's killing me
Through the eyes, I wanna know
I see a vision, once let go
I had it all
Constantly it burdens me
So hard a choice, I can't believe
I lost the faith, I lost the love
But when the day is done
Man please some one rescue me. I am fed of running away from the realities that bites me. I m fed of rocking in some other's shoes pretending what I am not , lying from all.I always knew reality bites and it sux big time but it had never allowed me to breathe free, to live free. I always wanted to be an escapist, searching for scapegoats but everytime I was just fooling myself. Rather I made myself my own nemesis now whom I can't even face . Every inch of my body is calling from the inside but I had been a deaf ear.
Yesterday after such an eventful day, where we laughed and moved at will, there were some bad news for NAk and Jojo like the loss of his digicam and the loss of memory card of Jojo. Though I felt bad for NAK and took the responsibilty of informing Jojo abt the mishap,but was still not sure what was awaiting for me.
And after the return from the rock concert, I checked my result and than I realised that the castle I had built was crushing down on me. Seems it was built on the air, widout ne foundation or I mite have designed that in intoxicated state. At that instant I realised how wrong I was in bunking classes. I don't remember exactly the last time I felt so low because of my academics. I was never such a bad student, but now I realise how wrong I was. I am too poor in academics , in everything that I thot I am not.
But one gud thing was that finally I had found who all are conspiring against me .My first nemesis is the time. I always thot life as a circle, U always get back to the place where u left once in a while, and in the race against time I thot I was leading the race but I was a fool not to face the reality there even. Life and time where too far ahead of me and were just going to takeover for the second time. The memoirs of feb 25th, will always haunt me making me restless. First it was the day when I parted my ways from someone I loved too much, second time was the first campus recruitment day and I wasn't selected and finally this feb 25th my 7th sem results were out. God , I dunno what mistake I had done or whether these are the sour grapes before u make me realise the taste of sweet grapes, but to be frank I don't to live life like being a loser, a frustrated soul making compromises and all those bull shit stuffs that I had been addicted to . But my worst nemesis is my own self. Now I realise that I had been trying to be Janus, showing everyone what I am not but hiding the real me from others. I thot of giving some time, but time never thot the same way. When this began,I had nothing to say and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me.I was confused,and I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind inside of me.And I've got nothing to say.I can't still believe I didn't fall right down on my face. I was looking everywhere Only to find that world is not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.So what am I,What do I have but negativity 'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me. I had nothing to gain but had everything to lose and since than I mite have gained nething externally but internally I was losing out my ownself.And the fault is my own. I am wounded internally and I am bleeding but no one cud see the pain that i have crushing on myself, and I think I will never know until my wounds are healed and I have to that of my own.I was pretending, When I pretend,everything is what I want it to be I look exactly like what you had always wanted to see and when I pretend I forgot about the criminal I am.
But now I have discovered the truth that it's always easier to run than to face the truth. Something has been taken from deep inside of me, a secret I've kept locked away.No one can ever see wounds so deep they never showand they never go away,like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
And now I wish if I could change,take back the pain, retrace every wrong move that I made,if I could stand up and take the blame and if I could take all the shame to the grave.
I cannot take this anymore I'm saying everything I've said before.All these things make no sense.I'm about to break and I need a little room to breathe. I had discovered the answers aren't so clear,nothing seems to go away but now I know time has come for me to break away.I will forfeit the game,before somebody else
Takes me out of the frame & Puts my name to shame. I will Cover up my face,I can’t run the race.The pace is too fast I just won't last.
I love the way I look at myself,While taking pleasure in the awful things I put myself through.I take away if I give in n now my life is gone way of its morning & my pride is broken.
But now comes the million dollar question, How can I be myself, I have thot many a times but never came close to ne conclusion.What do I do to ignore them behind me?Do I follow my instincts blindly?.Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams and give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness, Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?. Its because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin. I made the right moves but I’m lost within,I put on my daily facade but then I just end up getting hurt again.I kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart.What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time.I’m sick of the tension, sick of the hunger. While I find a place to rest,I want to be in another place.I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy and I want a place for my head, I want to have a little room for myself, i wanna break free. But now I will change my habits , my living , my attitude . Hope this is going to work out fine .
Breaking The habit : by Linkin Park
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
[Unless I try to start again]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That i'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Repeating same silly mistakes
I did a great mistake today ,on the early hours of the day .Though I hadn't promised neone nor had I committed to neone of not doing that but I had always tried to quit it . But somehow my own thinkings got he better of my conscience and I doped once again. As usual it was great fun but after the session I was feeling guilty. I mean I cud have prevented myself from taking those things but I never knew how and when I said yes. I don't remember the last time i felt so wrong but I hope that I wudn't repeat this in near future. I am not saying that I wudn't take but me from the next time will try to see that I am not the part of ne doping sessions. Once U have the grass joint session, people say U are stoned, but today I felt as if I was really stoned. So I ask my forgiveness to my Lord and hope this act of indulgence wudn't be reapeated. Sorry Susant and sorry someone else too, I cudn't stick to my own words and for the last time me asking U to forgive me .
The great adrenaline rush
The great adrenaline rush
Well this message was actually meant to be posted on 19th feb nite but I was damn tired that every muscle strip of my body had became numb. And since than everytime I thot of posting , the net speed was too slow to allow me nething as such . This is all abt the last picnic that we had over here .
So here goes the story. Well it started all wid melodramatic scene where in a happy-go scene a villian enters and spoils the party. Here in this case was our very own Asst Reg and our acting HOD. It was like a bad day that day. No doubt we had the permission from our former Reg. S.Das and from our HOD to go to TIkarpada, on the 11th hour of the day i.e on 18th that we can't go so far for the picnic moreover to a palce where there are water bodies. All our requests went to deaf ears and even our acting HOD washed off his hand from taking Even no male faculty was was there to accompany us. Seemed that all the odds were against us and finally a time came when we were discussing abt pulling off the plug abt the picnic. But than from nowhere came Nishant and did the heroic task of calling Samaresh Sir saying either he or we will reciprocate in the same way . So finally we drafted a new application and forwarded thru samaresh sir . Time was around 7.30 and still nothing was done like forwarding a copy to the LH. Seemed time was running out of our hand . Samaresh sir managed to convince Arup sir to accompany us while Sastry sir helped us by forwarding the letter to the LH. Me thot that at that time Angels are drivin the devils. And that marked the beginning of a great day .
On that nite we all got busy getting our stuffs ready. Till that time there were six new entries and we even didn't have time to forward their undertakings. Everything seemed alright but we were still undecided abt the venue like we had the permission to got to Kapilash but we had done our arrangements for Tikarpada.
When me and Lips enquired wid Gol abt the spot , he told tht even he is undecided and that we will take the decision on our way .
After getting everything ready I slept at 4.00 in the morning(Don ask me why so late, cos that was a spl nite for me for some other reason) and Barik woke me at 4.40 am. I mean can U believe this ,I had slept only for 40 mins :(. But somehow I got ready by 5.20 and we went to pick up the gals . But as usual they take too much of time to get themselves ready . So we were late by 15 mins by the time we left the LH.
And from there started the journey and I smashed a coconut which goes by some kind of ritual b4 a long journey, for a safe journey. We left bbsr town by 7.30 and till han Gol had already convinced all the faculties concerned to go to Tikarpada. On the way out to the spot, we danced in the bus like mad, than did some singing(I was rather hummin juz the lyrics). The singing was all the songs that were dedicated by someone to someone (I wud rather term that as leg pulling). It was all Nak and Gol's plan to pull the legs but than Lucky reciprocated by dedicating a song to khushbu from NAK and the song was "Hum Tumpe marte hain". Songs were dedicated to everyone who was even a crush for 1day. This all went till there was no more energy left in our body. I slept for around 30 mins. I just woke up to find that we had travelled in a wrong direction and that too for around 38 kms. By then lucky and lalit had started torturing by their lethal Pj's so went to the back seat to find some solace but that was a blunder. That two hr was a greater torture session initiated by barik, and suported by nak and adyashree.
But somehow we managed to reach the spot by 2.00 PM and it took another 15 mins unloading the stuffs.
I scanned for the spot and it was one hell of a beauty. It seemed as if Mother Nature has carved each and every curve on the mountains in her own hand. It was an awesome scape with dense forest, greeny mountains and a branch of Mahanadi flowing in between .What separated the spot and the mountains was the blue river that had crocs in it. So we never dared to venture into it.
Thanks to the cook who finished the cooking before 5.00 and till than we had played many games like Tug-o-war, balloon dance, and the dog and the ball(or bone?). Our team was the winner in the first and the last while the winner of the dance competition was the team of jassi and swarup.
After that we had our lunch and we left the spot by 6.30. And it took another 5 and half hours for us to reach bbsr. So it was around 12.30 when we reached the LH. We dropped each and every localite at their desired place .During the back journey also they started a song dedication session and played Dumb Charades but I was too tired to continue, so I searched for a comfortable place and slept for around 3 hrs.
In my view ,though I had attended all the picnics, this was the best and the most memorable one with no signs of groupism and where we all enjoyed in a group. Even all the people had worked in a group.Another gud reason was well planning by Rosy and Co. regarding the games. And best reason we enjoyed was that neither we had ne spiritual ( read spirit ritual) nor any doping session. So it was an all round effort by the organisers and I wud say "task well done".Thank U organisers for adding such memorable moment in my life .Three cheers for the organising team of Golak, Lips and Rosy and all the persons involved in making this picnic a great success.
Well this message was actually meant to be posted on 19th feb nite but I was damn tired that every muscle strip of my body had became numb. And since than everytime I thot of posting , the net speed was too slow to allow me nething as such . This is all abt the last picnic that we had over here .
So here goes the story. Well it started all wid melodramatic scene where in a happy-go scene a villian enters and spoils the party. Here in this case was our very own Asst Reg and our acting HOD. It was like a bad day that day. No doubt we had the permission from our former Reg. S.Das and from our HOD to go to TIkarpada, on the 11th hour of the day i.e on 18th that we can't go so far for the picnic moreover to a palce where there are water bodies. All our requests went to deaf ears and even our acting HOD washed off his hand from taking Even no male faculty was was there to accompany us. Seemed that all the odds were against us and finally a time came when we were discussing abt pulling off the plug abt the picnic. But than from nowhere came Nishant and did the heroic task of calling Samaresh Sir saying either he or we will reciprocate in the same way . So finally we drafted a new application and forwarded thru samaresh sir . Time was around 7.30 and still nothing was done like forwarding a copy to the LH. Seemed time was running out of our hand . Samaresh sir managed to convince Arup sir to accompany us while Sastry sir helped us by forwarding the letter to the LH. Me thot that at that time Angels are drivin the devils. And that marked the beginning of a great day .
On that nite we all got busy getting our stuffs ready. Till that time there were six new entries and we even didn't have time to forward their undertakings. Everything seemed alright but we were still undecided abt the venue like we had the permission to got to Kapilash but we had done our arrangements for Tikarpada.
When me and Lips enquired wid Gol abt the spot , he told tht even he is undecided and that we will take the decision on our way .
After getting everything ready I slept at 4.00 in the morning(Don ask me why so late, cos that was a spl nite for me for some other reason) and Barik woke me at 4.40 am. I mean can U believe this ,I had slept only for 40 mins :(. But somehow I got ready by 5.20 and we went to pick up the gals . But as usual they take too much of time to get themselves ready . So we were late by 15 mins by the time we left the LH.
And from there started the journey and I smashed a coconut which goes by some kind of ritual b4 a long journey, for a safe journey. We left bbsr town by 7.30 and till han Gol had already convinced all the faculties concerned to go to Tikarpada. On the way out to the spot, we danced in the bus like mad, than did some singing(I was rather hummin juz the lyrics). The singing was all the songs that were dedicated by someone to someone (I wud rather term that as leg pulling). It was all Nak and Gol's plan to pull the legs but than Lucky reciprocated by dedicating a song to khushbu from NAK and the song was "Hum Tumpe marte hain". Songs were dedicated to everyone who was even a crush for 1day. This all went till there was no more energy left in our body. I slept for around 30 mins. I just woke up to find that we had travelled in a wrong direction and that too for around 38 kms. By then lucky and lalit had started torturing by their lethal Pj's so went to the back seat to find some solace but that was a blunder. That two hr was a greater torture session initiated by barik, and suported by nak and adyashree.
But somehow we managed to reach the spot by 2.00 PM and it took another 15 mins unloading the stuffs.
I scanned for the spot and it was one hell of a beauty. It seemed as if Mother Nature has carved each and every curve on the mountains in her own hand. It was an awesome scape with dense forest, greeny mountains and a branch of Mahanadi flowing in between .What separated the spot and the mountains was the blue river that had crocs in it. So we never dared to venture into it.
Thanks to the cook who finished the cooking before 5.00 and till than we had played many games like Tug-o-war, balloon dance, and the dog and the ball(or bone?). Our team was the winner in the first and the last while the winner of the dance competition was the team of jassi and swarup.
After that we had our lunch and we left the spot by 6.30. And it took another 5 and half hours for us to reach bbsr. So it was around 12.30 when we reached the LH. We dropped each and every localite at their desired place .During the back journey also they started a song dedication session and played Dumb Charades but I was too tired to continue, so I searched for a comfortable place and slept for around 3 hrs.
In my view ,though I had attended all the picnics, this was the best and the most memorable one with no signs of groupism and where we all enjoyed in a group. Even all the people had worked in a group.Another gud reason was well planning by Rosy and Co. regarding the games. And best reason we enjoyed was that neither we had ne spiritual ( read spirit ritual) nor any doping session. So it was an all round effort by the organisers and I wud say "task well done".Thank U organisers for adding such memorable moment in my life .Three cheers for the organising team of Golak, Lips and Rosy and all the persons involved in making this picnic a great success.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Rollicking On Broken Dreams
Friends are flowers in my life with foes bieng the thorns. This makes life a beautifull garden of my dreams. But sooner or later I have to part to walk alone in a road full of travellers with strange looks . Some may travel to the same destination that of mine but never ever can be there one like U.
Never thot of writing back so qucikly.Perhaps I am testing my own limits. Well as the search still goes on what to write suddenly my eyes fall on my own blog and I noticed two posts (of sammy and rohan) relating to their stay at the hostel and thus I have my own topic. Well I wudn't say much this time.All I gotta say are some lines from some famous songs . These years are some of the precious moments that I have ever spent and will always be the days of cherishing. I have done so many things that I had never thot of doing . So fast this time has moved and now a days I just stare blankly at the calender counting the number of days left . That makes me too nostalgic too think of nething else. I am sure on the eve of the farewell I am going to cry ,cry a lot until my eyes gets swelled and I don't feel ashamed of admitting that . Cos I have lived these four years over here in this college like a king ,satisfying the name given to our hoste,like a close knit royal familyl. This life has taught me many things with every passing day, I learnt how to deal wid different people,made adjustments many times, have compromised when the situation demanded .Most of all it had taught me to do and think as if a grown up individual though i wasn't old enuf to embrace the tough times that had rocked me during the initial days. During this four years I have lived independently widout any interference from my people back home. It has given my enuf reasons to smile, to cry, to laugh at myself on being a jackass many a times, times when I had repented on doing something or for not doing something . It had given my friends as well as foes. I neither flatter nor blame them for making me what I am know. So just to summarise these four yrs and I wud just quote the lines from a famous number of bryan adams.
SUMMER OF '69
oh when i look back now
that summer seemed to last forever
and if i had the choice
ya - i'd always wanna be there
those were the best days of my life
ain't no use in complainin'
when you got a job to do
spent my evenin's down at the drive-in
and that's when i met you
man we were killin' time
we were young and restless
we needed to unwind
i guess nothin' can last forever - forever, no
and now the times are changin'
look at everything that's come and gone
sometimes when i play that old six-string
i think about ya wonder what went wrong
those were the best days of my life
back in the summer of '69
But then my thots fly aheadof me to think what will happen in future. In what type of environment I am going to lend with no support from all u people and cold fear starts in my blood. Man I know we all can't be forever and we are destined to part from each other and to be loner as we used to be . Some may argue that we were never a loner but think of the four years we have spent and the closeness that was there , and we will know the missing element that's awaiting us. There will always be roads and travellers going and coming but I walk alone in this lonely road where everyone is a stranger giving me dreaded looks . So here goes another number which is one of my all time favourites.
Boulevard of Broken Dreams
I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone
Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
So I know not what's and who all are waiting for me after the next 3-4 months but this is sure me will be lounging for another day in this college,in this hostel and most of most I will be longing to spend another day of my insignificant life with all of u my friends. No reunion days, no chit chats on yahoo messenger and no phone call talks can give back any of those wonderfull moments that I have spent in this college among u people.These are the real moments to cherish.
Mood: As usual nostalgic as less than 70 days in this college left. Wish cud have had a joint of grass pot but I had quit.
Never thot of writing back so qucikly.Perhaps I am testing my own limits. Well as the search still goes on what to write suddenly my eyes fall on my own blog and I noticed two posts (of sammy and rohan) relating to their stay at the hostel and thus I have my own topic. Well I wudn't say much this time.All I gotta say are some lines from some famous songs . These years are some of the precious moments that I have ever spent and will always be the days of cherishing. I have done so many things that I had never thot of doing . So fast this time has moved and now a days I just stare blankly at the calender counting the number of days left . That makes me too nostalgic too think of nething else. I am sure on the eve of the farewell I am going to cry ,cry a lot until my eyes gets swelled and I don't feel ashamed of admitting that . Cos I have lived these four years over here in this college like a king ,satisfying the name given to our hoste,like a close knit royal familyl. This life has taught me many things with every passing day, I learnt how to deal wid different people,made adjustments many times, have compromised when the situation demanded .Most of all it had taught me to do and think as if a grown up individual though i wasn't old enuf to embrace the tough times that had rocked me during the initial days. During this four years I have lived independently widout any interference from my people back home. It has given my enuf reasons to smile, to cry, to laugh at myself on being a jackass many a times, times when I had repented on doing something or for not doing something . It had given my friends as well as foes. I neither flatter nor blame them for making me what I am know. So just to summarise these four yrs and I wud just quote the lines from a famous number of bryan adams.
SUMMER OF '69
oh when i look back now
that summer seemed to last forever
and if i had the choice
ya - i'd always wanna be there
those were the best days of my life
ain't no use in complainin'
when you got a job to do
spent my evenin's down at the drive-in
and that's when i met you
man we were killin' time
we were young and restless
we needed to unwind
i guess nothin' can last forever - forever, no
and now the times are changin'
look at everything that's come and gone
sometimes when i play that old six-string
i think about ya wonder what went wrong
those were the best days of my life
back in the summer of '69
But then my thots fly aheadof me to think what will happen in future. In what type of environment I am going to lend with no support from all u people and cold fear starts in my blood. Man I know we all can't be forever and we are destined to part from each other and to be loner as we used to be . Some may argue that we were never a loner but think of the four years we have spent and the closeness that was there , and we will know the missing element that's awaiting us. There will always be roads and travellers going and coming but I walk alone in this lonely road where everyone is a stranger giving me dreaded looks . So here goes another number which is one of my all time favourites.
Boulevard of Broken Dreams
I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone
Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
So I know not what's and who all are waiting for me after the next 3-4 months but this is sure me will be lounging for another day in this college,in this hostel and most of most I will be longing to spend another day of my insignificant life with all of u my friends. No reunion days, no chit chats on yahoo messenger and no phone call talks can give back any of those wonderfull moments that I have spent in this college among u people.These are the real moments to cherish.
Mood: As usual nostalgic as less than 70 days in this college left. Wish cud have had a joint of grass pot but I had quit.
Wasting Time
Of late wasn't able to post nething,and the thanks goes to two persons Sovit Routroy who kept me busy in the college playing T.T and in the evening too , n the other person is Capt.S.K.sharma who never allowed me to blog during the night times(the net speed was almost dead those times). But somehow i managed to escape from reality and took some to post . But me still thinking abt the content of the post as well as the title for it.
To start wid this week passed like a ne other week wid certain exceptions and also kept me busy. Like me winning beer challenges , watching RDB for the second time, me getting broke financially, deciding on the picnic spot and related stuffs,me celebrating my first anniversary ,some heartbreaking painful moments and analysing the purpose of the real me .
For the first time me realised dat the only thing I am gud at this moment is getting drunked and doped and excited without too much actions and simulations. Well all of the week completed in few lines and i guess i haven't written much . So me still thinking ... and it continues...Sshh!!!
Now a days i have taken some serious resolutions of not taking resolutions in near future. Of late have decided to stop bunking classes. Man I am really fed up wid all these craps of bunking classes, playing cricket (E.A sports obviously ) and playing spider during the night and sleeping during the class hours. I dunno how to get out of these shit. Its like u know u are doing wrong but still u can't help it or fight it . Its like a lose-lost battle fighting over here. Me still unable to discover the real me . I mean what I am doing over here. Once i get out of all this stuff like engg. college, from friend groups and all related stuffs and when I will be alone in the big world i wudn't have much time to test myself or to know thy feelings. So finally i decided to launch a soul searching operation and finally after some lakhs or crores of seconds i guess i know what I am doing. Though it took some time to get myself back to my soul( cos of thick layer of nicotene and gel like solution of cigaratte ash,ethanol and 7up). I guess i was such an asshole ...err... even right now i am doing an assholic work of writing up what's in my mind. But this is to remind myself time and again that my work is something other. I am not here to help in the draining of brain grains from my motherland.My goal is set and i have to achieve it
But as pre decided i wudn't stop of here of just sitting back doing 'khattis' and blaming the education system for ruining me. It's time for a change in everything. My purpose for this whole thingy is decided now . And this decision comes after watching the movie RDB second time . We are the young guns and we are not here to get rust by inadeqaute use of it . The movie made me realise NO ONE IS PERFECT , WE ALL HAVE TO STRIVE HARD TO MAKE OURSELVES ONE HELL OF A PERFECT PERSON.Though the movie had some serious flaws still it was wonderful.
Enuf of soul searching and analysing it. Adios till the next posting(If i ever get time and the net is ok too )
To start wid this week passed like a ne other week wid certain exceptions and also kept me busy. Like me winning beer challenges , watching RDB for the second time, me getting broke financially, deciding on the picnic spot and related stuffs,me celebrating my first anniversary ,some heartbreaking painful moments and analysing the purpose of the real me .
For the first time me realised dat the only thing I am gud at this moment is getting drunked and doped and excited without too much actions and simulations. Well all of the week completed in few lines and i guess i haven't written much . So me still thinking ... and it continues...Sshh!!!
Now a days i have taken some serious resolutions of not taking resolutions in near future. Of late have decided to stop bunking classes. Man I am really fed up wid all these craps of bunking classes, playing cricket (E.A sports obviously ) and playing spider during the night and sleeping during the class hours. I dunno how to get out of these shit. Its like u know u are doing wrong but still u can't help it or fight it . Its like a lose-lost battle fighting over here. Me still unable to discover the real me . I mean what I am doing over here. Once i get out of all this stuff like engg. college, from friend groups and all related stuffs and when I will be alone in the big world i wudn't have much time to test myself or to know thy feelings. So finally i decided to launch a soul searching operation and finally after some lakhs or crores of seconds i guess i know what I am doing. Though it took some time to get myself back to my soul( cos of thick layer of nicotene and gel like solution of cigaratte ash,ethanol and 7up). I guess i was such an asshole ...err... even right now i am doing an assholic work of writing up what's in my mind. But this is to remind myself time and again that my work is something other. I am not here to help in the draining of brain grains from my motherland.My goal is set and i have to achieve it
But as pre decided i wudn't stop of here of just sitting back doing 'khattis' and blaming the education system for ruining me. It's time for a change in everything. My purpose for this whole thingy is decided now . And this decision comes after watching the movie RDB second time . We are the young guns and we are not here to get rust by inadeqaute use of it . The movie made me realise NO ONE IS PERFECT , WE ALL HAVE TO STRIVE HARD TO MAKE OURSELVES ONE HELL OF A PERFECT PERSON.Though the movie had some serious flaws still it was wonderful.
Enuf of soul searching and analysing it. Adios till the next posting(If i ever get time and the net is ok too )
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Pics re uploaded 2
Awe strucking rose gardens of KGP
uploaded from pvt collection
Holding the pole of strength and patriotism
uploaded from pvt collection
MY train journey to Spring fest
uploaded from pvt collection
Smiling Assasins
uploaded from pvt collection
Pics re uploaded
me searching for coal stocks
uploaded from pvt collection
the magnificiant insti building
uploaded from pvt collection
revisiting the old days of the insti area
uploaded from pvt collection
Wish i cud have flied that
uploaded from pvt collection
Confessions of an unfaithful heart
An ode to Love and pain
Many a times i start peeking into my soul and start searching the answer of my yet to be unanswered question: she is . . .mind achingly beautiful ...but I was heartbreakingly cruel.why . . . ?
I am neither a poet nor trying to be one nor I am trying to imitate the legendry John Keats. I am just penning down my emotions and my thinkings about love. It's really difficult to love someone and to get her love back but its painful to love someone,get her love and than leaving her just for the sake of nothing as if not a big deal. While this article is not a story untold but rather the words of my guilty conscience . The pain me suffering with every passing moment and the pain I am giving someone. Today is the day when i sud mourn or rather celebrate my third anniversary. But ...b...u...t...but there is no one here to celebrate wid me.. i feel like lone tresspasser in this majestic road without ne hope of being believed or loved in near future. Its said that sometimes it takes just a moment to change ur life and I still remember the day, 1st of feb, 2003,a chilly saturday evening when i first saw her and fell in love at the very first sight. She was quite friendly so it took me no time to befriend her. Soon we had turned into gud friends but still i was unsure abt my relationship wid her apart from being her gud friend. I was undecided whether it was love or infatuation or crush just normal feelings that are arounsed when u come across someone of ur opposite sex. But finally after quite some days it took me 7 months and 12 days and 2 shots of vodka to express my feelings. I didnt had the courage to say that directly so i think that day it was not me but the vodka inside me that was making all the talk all the way long. She didn't say much, not even a word excepting asking her leave. When i woke up the next morning i was having too much of this stupid guilty sense in me and i was thinking of asking her sorry for my misdeeds but now i know that was lovely blessing in disguise. She said yes to me and that was the happiest day in my life (sept 14th) and soon i started courting her . But destiny had some other things in HER mind and soon we were at crossroads . I wasn't able to give her time she owed and i know not what happened to me those days but I was distracted from every things that I loved and soon the time when her marriage was fixed . She was courageous to rebel against her parent's decision but i was not having guts that time to take ne responsibility. So I made her to promise to go by her parents wishes and finally she got married last year. But now when i think of those days when we were togather , those scenes of the past keeps haunting me creating an immense pain in my heart. Those were the moments i wud always cherish but now when u are gone i realise how much i was in love but things done can't be undone so i wish u all the luck for ur married life. And one thing i wud like to convey.. if u ever happen to read this blog , than u will know that i will never stop loving u though i am at odds my love for u will never cease. That's the last thing i wud like to convey u.
U came to my life as an early dusk but i made ur life miserable but before the sun is set for me ,if there is nething i can do than feel free to tell me . ANd if possible baby please forgive me for the injustice i had done with u but i can't stop loving u . And even ur memoirs make me remember they way i ditched u which i know now was a great mistake...err..was a great blunder. But no more such mistakes . I wud stop remembering u as u were .Wud remove every bloody trail from my life which are connected to u in neway. That's where my salvation lies.
(Me in a nostalgic as well as guilty mood. I know not what i am writing but these are my confessions that i wud like to make so as to make peace with my ownself, whom i can't see eye to eye facing a mirror ,as well as wid my god ,infront whom i feel ashamed . Hope this confession will lead me to my goal of attaining abstract peace.)
###
When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins, and suddenly all the dozens and dozens of women he's sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I've put some of my feelings into this little ode.
Every man needs a woman, and I need you --
to lift me when I am sad,
to comfort me when I am down,
to clean me when I am drunk,
to walk beside me when I want to look like I'm not gay,
to walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak,
to kiss me when I am horny,
to massage me when I am tense and/or horny,
to make me horny when I am not horny, and then to watch me fall asleep.
I need you darling to clean between my toes when they are not cleaned to my satisfaction,
to pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice,
to try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date,
to be there when I need you to be there, and to be out of town the rest of the time.
My darling, although it may seem sentimental, I want to take this moment to tell you I love you -- because I don't want to lose half my stuff. And even though you are far away across the ocean, I always have this [pointing to ring finger where there is no wedding ring] to remind me --[realizes the ring is not there] sorry [and hides hand].
Bye Bye, my love.
###(courtesy:Steve Martin)
Many a times i start peeking into my soul and start searching the answer of my yet to be unanswered question: she is . . .mind achingly beautiful ...but I was heartbreakingly cruel.why . . . ?
I am neither a poet nor trying to be one nor I am trying to imitate the legendry John Keats. I am just penning down my emotions and my thinkings about love. It's really difficult to love someone and to get her love back but its painful to love someone,get her love and than leaving her just for the sake of nothing as if not a big deal. While this article is not a story untold but rather the words of my guilty conscience . The pain me suffering with every passing moment and the pain I am giving someone. Today is the day when i sud mourn or rather celebrate my third anniversary. But ...b...u...t...but there is no one here to celebrate wid me.. i feel like lone tresspasser in this majestic road without ne hope of being believed or loved in near future. Its said that sometimes it takes just a moment to change ur life and I still remember the day, 1st of feb, 2003,a chilly saturday evening when i first saw her and fell in love at the very first sight. She was quite friendly so it took me no time to befriend her. Soon we had turned into gud friends but still i was unsure abt my relationship wid her apart from being her gud friend. I was undecided whether it was love or infatuation or crush just normal feelings that are arounsed when u come across someone of ur opposite sex. But finally after quite some days it took me 7 months and 12 days and 2 shots of vodka to express my feelings. I didnt had the courage to say that directly so i think that day it was not me but the vodka inside me that was making all the talk all the way long. She didn't say much, not even a word excepting asking her leave. When i woke up the next morning i was having too much of this stupid guilty sense in me and i was thinking of asking her sorry for my misdeeds but now i know that was lovely blessing in disguise. She said yes to me and that was the happiest day in my life (sept 14th) and soon i started courting her . But destiny had some other things in HER mind and soon we were at crossroads . I wasn't able to give her time she owed and i know not what happened to me those days but I was distracted from every things that I loved and soon the time when her marriage was fixed . She was courageous to rebel against her parent's decision but i was not having guts that time to take ne responsibility. So I made her to promise to go by her parents wishes and finally she got married last year. But now when i think of those days when we were togather , those scenes of the past keeps haunting me creating an immense pain in my heart. Those were the moments i wud always cherish but now when u are gone i realise how much i was in love but things done can't be undone so i wish u all the luck for ur married life. And one thing i wud like to convey.. if u ever happen to read this blog , than u will know that i will never stop loving u though i am at odds my love for u will never cease. That's the last thing i wud like to convey u.
U came to my life as an early dusk but i made ur life miserable but before the sun is set for me ,if there is nething i can do than feel free to tell me . ANd if possible baby please forgive me for the injustice i had done with u but i can't stop loving u . And even ur memoirs make me remember they way i ditched u which i know now was a great mistake...err..was a great blunder. But no more such mistakes . I wud stop remembering u as u were .Wud remove every bloody trail from my life which are connected to u in neway. That's where my salvation lies.
(Me in a nostalgic as well as guilty mood. I know not what i am writing but these are my confessions that i wud like to make so as to make peace with my ownself, whom i can't see eye to eye facing a mirror ,as well as wid my god ,infront whom i feel ashamed . Hope this confession will lead me to my goal of attaining abstract peace.)
###
When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins, and suddenly all the dozens and dozens of women he's sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I've put some of my feelings into this little ode.
Every man needs a woman, and I need you --
to lift me when I am sad,
to comfort me when I am down,
to clean me when I am drunk,
to walk beside me when I want to look like I'm not gay,
to walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak,
to kiss me when I am horny,
to massage me when I am tense and/or horny,
to make me horny when I am not horny, and then to watch me fall asleep.
I need you darling to clean between my toes when they are not cleaned to my satisfaction,
to pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice,
to try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date,
to be there when I need you to be there, and to be out of town the rest of the time.
My darling, although it may seem sentimental, I want to take this moment to tell you I love you -- because I don't want to lose half my stuff. And even though you are far away across the ocean, I always have this [pointing to ring finger where there is no wedding ring] to remind me --[realizes the ring is not there] sorry [and hides hand].
Bye Bye, my love.
###(courtesy:Steve Martin)
Every Story has an end
I am really fed up of the speed of my wireless internet connection. Now me regretting why i didn't shift my room to some other where there was LAN connection and insisted on WLAN card. Perhaps i wanted to make Sharma taste a defeat. But let me stop this over here cos today I am here to tell an amazing story which came to an end very recently.And don't be surprised seeing more than one posts in a day.
End of tale.Some have happy endings and some have tragic.Some are endings that u die to happen and some are the exact opposite that's unwanted things happening. I dunno what type of end this story had. It's on the readers to decide was this the perfect ending or cud have been a different ending if the characters involved haven't acted in the way they have done.But one thing is for sure for me.Nothing cud have emulated this ending
So this story started on jan 13th when our batch was united against Lalit pattnaik of third yr. He started abusing me and even kicked me once. Now that was the limit. I tried to retaliate but I was in no order a match for his huge physique. So I kept quite and at that time they took me for granted thinking I wudn't cross their line again. He even brought some local goons to threaten me, but I guess that was his biggest mistake cos till then I was one of those Mummy Daddy boys in the college who never gets involved in house fighting and all those stuff . Till then I had no involvement in group actvities but at that time I felt ashamed as well as insecure. I had no close relationship with ne of so called leaders(read MUNDIS" ) of our batch. But I had to retaliate so I was thinking of ways. I called Dyna bhai and mitr bhai for help and they were ready with their local groups for my revenge. But then came a call from Lali and he told me to keep the matter under nose as the starnite of KK was approaching.
On 14th lali called and told to get ready and made me aware of the plan. Then we ppl of around 20 got hold of that pig like structure(Lalit) and beat him black and blues. He started to bleed from his nose .I then formally lodged a case of misbehaviour in drunken state against him and his friends.We also mass bunked and here we means not only CSE but whole of our batch. In the meantime Lalit had approached some persons for back to back attack one whom was Sushilendu Pati whom many of batchmates fear even now. He tried to show his big brotherhood by slapping me but I never allowed that to happen can caught his hand in mid air and that led to another tension between him and me. Late in the midnight he summoned me thru two friends of me Vihung and Rai for compromise. But there he did his ultimate act of deception. He made me drunk and then slapped me 6 times whose echoes I still find in my ears. But that never hurt me ,what hurt me most was that another senior who happened to be our AGS spilled his vodka glass on me and that infuriated me the most. I took an oath of taking revenge when I pass out from this college but as I believe destiny has its own tales to say.
We had numerous incidents of fighting wid lalit until he straightened himself. Den came the vibranz time and we all were busy in politicising everything. Then there started of show of strengths and powers . There were two groups lali with his group and support of both hostels pitted against haripad and his localites groups. I was in a undecided state of support as both were my friends. One helped my when i was in trouble and wid the other i had numerous booze sessions after bunking classes. I searched my conscience for an answer and it replied. It was my way for showing my gratitude to lali . Once haripad and his friends walked out we had clean way.Soon our preps began and we all were busy doing different task .I was head of the refreshment committee as well an integral part of sponsorship. But once it happened that lali and aish were out at bglr that an incident happened reagarding T-shirt punchlines occured and we hit 33 guys from second yr.That was a day when our tirade against second yr juniors started. In 5 days the casualty was 53 and finally the biggest mistake in our college history. Mass fighting between 2nd yr and 4th yr hostelites resulting in a sine die of 45 days as well as cancellation of all functions including vibranz 05, annutsav 06 and our hard earned study tour but the college went ahead with the NCSC 05 programme which was welcomed by all. When we returned it was all but a new story where hostel authorities where the villian and our entry times restricted to 9.00 Pm,no bikes in hostel,no groups, no gatherings which we signed in a stamp paper of denimination Rs.5.00.
It was like asking lions of jungles to come to cages and even we abided by .After all our jobs where in their hands. When everything was going right and we had just started to live the new life at hostel, pati bhai came to attack Lali with some mundis of our senior batches that lali and many of my friends retaliated and beat him till he was half dead.
So it all started like a small issue and ended with careers of two friends of mine at scare and with my revenge completely avenged. So the bottom line was "its never how u play the game but its always how the game plays u".Who knew that things will end in such lines but when i look back now into past and think of what I did and and I hadn't I think I owe an apology to my batchmates specially my branchmates as i was one of the members in the vibranz committee as well as one of the organisers for the study tour. I deeply regret for all that happened and my active involvement in all cases that led to cancellation of vibranz and also the study tour, but we (as well as me) never did nething to show our power or nething but the circumstances led us where we stand now. And finally the story ends with many of my group members at large,me avenging my revenge,some casualties in the hospital and my finding myself guilty of some misdeeds.
End of tale.Some have happy endings and some have tragic.Some are endings that u die to happen and some are the exact opposite that's unwanted things happening. I dunno what type of end this story had. It's on the readers to decide was this the perfect ending or cud have been a different ending if the characters involved haven't acted in the way they have done.But one thing is for sure for me.Nothing cud have emulated this ending
So this story started on jan 13th when our batch was united against Lalit pattnaik of third yr. He started abusing me and even kicked me once. Now that was the limit. I tried to retaliate but I was in no order a match for his huge physique. So I kept quite and at that time they took me for granted thinking I wudn't cross their line again. He even brought some local goons to threaten me, but I guess that was his biggest mistake cos till then I was one of those Mummy Daddy boys in the college who never gets involved in house fighting and all those stuff . Till then I had no involvement in group actvities but at that time I felt ashamed as well as insecure. I had no close relationship with ne of so called leaders(read MUNDIS" ) of our batch. But I had to retaliate so I was thinking of ways. I called Dyna bhai and mitr bhai for help and they were ready with their local groups for my revenge. But then came a call from Lali and he told me to keep the matter under nose as the starnite of KK was approaching.
On 14th lali called and told to get ready and made me aware of the plan. Then we ppl of around 20 got hold of that pig like structure(Lalit) and beat him black and blues. He started to bleed from his nose .I then formally lodged a case of misbehaviour in drunken state against him and his friends.We also mass bunked and here we means not only CSE but whole of our batch. In the meantime Lalit had approached some persons for back to back attack one whom was Sushilendu Pati whom many of batchmates fear even now. He tried to show his big brotherhood by slapping me but I never allowed that to happen can caught his hand in mid air and that led to another tension between him and me. Late in the midnight he summoned me thru two friends of me Vihung and Rai for compromise. But there he did his ultimate act of deception. He made me drunk and then slapped me 6 times whose echoes I still find in my ears. But that never hurt me ,what hurt me most was that another senior who happened to be our AGS spilled his vodka glass on me and that infuriated me the most. I took an oath of taking revenge when I pass out from this college but as I believe destiny has its own tales to say.
We had numerous incidents of fighting wid lalit until he straightened himself. Den came the vibranz time and we all were busy in politicising everything. Then there started of show of strengths and powers . There were two groups lali with his group and support of both hostels pitted against haripad and his localites groups. I was in a undecided state of support as both were my friends. One helped my when i was in trouble and wid the other i had numerous booze sessions after bunking classes. I searched my conscience for an answer and it replied. It was my way for showing my gratitude to lali . Once haripad and his friends walked out we had clean way.Soon our preps began and we all were busy doing different task .I was head of the refreshment committee as well an integral part of sponsorship. But once it happened that lali and aish were out at bglr that an incident happened reagarding T-shirt punchlines occured and we hit 33 guys from second yr.That was a day when our tirade against second yr juniors started. In 5 days the casualty was 53 and finally the biggest mistake in our college history. Mass fighting between 2nd yr and 4th yr hostelites resulting in a sine die of 45 days as well as cancellation of all functions including vibranz 05, annutsav 06 and our hard earned study tour but the college went ahead with the NCSC 05 programme which was welcomed by all. When we returned it was all but a new story where hostel authorities where the villian and our entry times restricted to 9.00 Pm,no bikes in hostel,no groups, no gatherings which we signed in a stamp paper of denimination Rs.5.00.
It was like asking lions of jungles to come to cages and even we abided by .After all our jobs where in their hands. When everything was going right and we had just started to live the new life at hostel, pati bhai came to attack Lali with some mundis of our senior batches that lali and many of my friends retaliated and beat him till he was half dead.
So it all started like a small issue and ended with careers of two friends of mine at scare and with my revenge completely avenged. So the bottom line was "its never how u play the game but its always how the game plays u".Who knew that things will end in such lines but when i look back now into past and think of what I did and and I hadn't I think I owe an apology to my batchmates specially my branchmates as i was one of the members in the vibranz committee as well as one of the organisers for the study tour. I deeply regret for all that happened and my active involvement in all cases that led to cancellation of vibranz and also the study tour, but we (as well as me) never did nething to show our power or nething but the circumstances led us where we stand now. And finally the story ends with many of my group members at large,me avenging my revenge,some casualties in the hospital and my finding myself guilty of some misdeeds.
A crap called valentine's day
A crap called Valentine's day
I never understood what's the significance of this day. I mean When it was first started celebrating and for what reasons. I have seen many instances of guys proposing love for someone or sometimes gals reciprocating the act on this day. I want to know what's so special abt this day ? I had experienced one instance of wrath of my GF cos I turned up late for a meeting with her on 14th feb. she even rebuked me saying"atleast today u cud have turned up in time. does this day has no significance for u ? Don't I mean anything to u? and there started an arguement with me answering her array of questions in my adament way and she getting upset.Finally it ended when she started sobbing and my raising my hands accepting my defeat. Since than I had started to search for the answer of only one question"what's so spl abt today?". Do we require to have a special celebration for valentine day? I think this is all bullshit and simple crap that are used for business profits. This day is much hyped for personal benefits and the GenX is getting carried away. If one person have a partner or rather valentine than every moment he/she spends with his/her valentine is like ne spl day,everyday spent with valentine is valentine's day, it's like 24X7X365 is like valentine's day. So why fuss abt only single day when u shower ur love for ur valentine and the other days u "nain mattaka" with others. So no need to celebrate only one day, if u love celebrate 7*365 a yr.
I never understood what's the significance of this day. I mean When it was first started celebrating and for what reasons. I have seen many instances of guys proposing love for someone or sometimes gals reciprocating the act on this day. I want to know what's so special abt this day ? I had experienced one instance of wrath of my GF cos I turned up late for a meeting with her on 14th feb. she even rebuked me saying"atleast today u cud have turned up in time. does this day has no significance for u ? Don't I mean anything to u? and there started an arguement with me answering her array of questions in my adament way and she getting upset.Finally it ended when she started sobbing and my raising my hands accepting my defeat. Since than I had started to search for the answer of only one question"what's so spl abt today?". Do we require to have a special celebration for valentine day? I think this is all bullshit and simple crap that are used for business profits. This day is much hyped for personal benefits and the GenX is getting carried away. If one person have a partner or rather valentine than every moment he/she spends with his/her valentine is like ne spl day,everyday spent with valentine is valentine's day, it's like 24X7X365 is like valentine's day. So why fuss abt only single day when u shower ur love for ur valentine and the other days u "nain mattaka" with others. So no need to celebrate only one day, if u love celebrate 7*365 a yr.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Days Of Thunder
"As every second passes by, I cling to these dying memories that gave a new meaning to my existence."
The 4 years are going to end. After this a new phase of life is going to begin where you take a backseat and your job and family become your main priority. A phase that introduces you to the maddening race of survival on the planet and you get inducted as yet another racer. But as I bid adieu to a phase that I prefer to call "Days of Thunder", it would be worthwhile to ponder over the time that made a me out of myself. It wasn't long back when I entered this stream. Far from the care and love as well as the pressures of my family, I got admitted to this hostel. It was just the beginning of what was going to be an era of rediscovery. The initial period was a period of regrets spent entirely lamenting the missed chances and blaming luck for landing up here. It was only later that my being here gave me the purpose to fight back and excel. It re ascertained my faith in myself and helped me prove my worth in front of others. This 4 year stint has taught me a lot more than I bargained for. In these years I have seen things that only others know happen in this world. I have made friends, made enemies, maintained neutral stance with some, seen the magic of love enrich some, seen the surge for love destablise others, had enemies come to my rescue and friends leave me in the midst of a crisis, been ecstatic to become the part of a group and with equal satisfaction left the group to become what I am best at - loner. I have seen hatred, love, companionship, sacrifices, betrayals, groupisms, conspiracies, fights and many more. There have been occasions when I have been made the scapegoat, occasions when the world has celebrated my victory, occasions when my friends have conspired against me and betrayed me, occasions when the unexpected people have stood by me. I have seen the effect of wrong decisions made and wrong people I befriended, rued over people with whom I could never ever have a relationship, been proud of people who kept my faith in them and cursed others who didn't. In all these years I have seen such various makes of people, I feel I have entered the real game of life.
In fact these four years have glued with them such weird kinds of memories that will never ever vacate my thoughts. Those late night TT matches using Reading Room tables and diaries, those late night movie marathons, the nightmarish birthday bashes, the awful tasting hostel food, the AOE, UNREAL,FIFA,CS,ROGUE SPEAR matches, the numerous classes bunked, the proxies that got the profs baffled, the XEROX money collection for mischief purposes, the discussions ranging from the scary experiences to the malicious politics to the latest technological innovations, the late night quizzes to die for, the desperate night outs for studying few days prior to the exams, the frantic search for shared items on the LAN, the everlasting hatred for management and blaming them for all our shortcomings, the various college rumours and gossips, the outstanding group ideas/plans and trips, the late night search and recover patrol for availing food stuffs from any room possible, the slipper and water bottle thefts, the cricket matches in the basketball court, the routine window shopping, the delicious charm of Madhuban , Hot Spot, Tandoori and Udipi, the addas at the chotta canteen, Rabi Bhai and Juice Center, the juniors who made for applaudable companions and hated enemies at various times and many more to name. I doubt how this much energy flowed through us during this period!!! Where ever I may be it will be tough to discard this part of my life as just another one.
These experiences are part of a syllabus taught nowhere else but life's university and these memories are assets worth preserving. I may never be able to repay what my friends have done for me nor forgive those who have betrayed me or hurt me but one thing's for sure I will never forget these Days of Thunder !!!
The 4 years are going to end. After this a new phase of life is going to begin where you take a backseat and your job and family become your main priority. A phase that introduces you to the maddening race of survival on the planet and you get inducted as yet another racer. But as I bid adieu to a phase that I prefer to call "Days of Thunder", it would be worthwhile to ponder over the time that made a me out of myself. It wasn't long back when I entered this stream. Far from the care and love as well as the pressures of my family, I got admitted to this hostel. It was just the beginning of what was going to be an era of rediscovery. The initial period was a period of regrets spent entirely lamenting the missed chances and blaming luck for landing up here. It was only later that my being here gave me the purpose to fight back and excel. It re ascertained my faith in myself and helped me prove my worth in front of others. This 4 year stint has taught me a lot more than I bargained for. In these years I have seen things that only others know happen in this world. I have made friends, made enemies, maintained neutral stance with some, seen the magic of love enrich some, seen the surge for love destablise others, had enemies come to my rescue and friends leave me in the midst of a crisis, been ecstatic to become the part of a group and with equal satisfaction left the group to become what I am best at - loner. I have seen hatred, love, companionship, sacrifices, betrayals, groupisms, conspiracies, fights and many more. There have been occasions when I have been made the scapegoat, occasions when the world has celebrated my victory, occasions when my friends have conspired against me and betrayed me, occasions when the unexpected people have stood by me. I have seen the effect of wrong decisions made and wrong people I befriended, rued over people with whom I could never ever have a relationship, been proud of people who kept my faith in them and cursed others who didn't. In all these years I have seen such various makes of people, I feel I have entered the real game of life.
In fact these four years have glued with them such weird kinds of memories that will never ever vacate my thoughts. Those late night TT matches using Reading Room tables and diaries, those late night movie marathons, the nightmarish birthday bashes, the awful tasting hostel food, the AOE, UNREAL,FIFA,CS,ROGUE SPEAR matches, the numerous classes bunked, the proxies that got the profs baffled, the XEROX money collection for mischief purposes, the discussions ranging from the scary experiences to the malicious politics to the latest technological innovations, the late night quizzes to die for, the desperate night outs for studying few days prior to the exams, the frantic search for shared items on the LAN, the everlasting hatred for management and blaming them for all our shortcomings, the various college rumours and gossips, the outstanding group ideas/plans and trips, the late night search and recover patrol for availing food stuffs from any room possible, the slipper and water bottle thefts, the cricket matches in the basketball court, the routine window shopping, the delicious charm of Madhuban , Hot Spot, Tandoori and Udipi, the addas at the chotta canteen, Rabi Bhai and Juice Center, the juniors who made for applaudable companions and hated enemies at various times and many more to name. I doubt how this much energy flowed through us during this period!!! Where ever I may be it will be tough to discard this part of my life as just another one.
These experiences are part of a syllabus taught nowhere else but life's university and these memories are assets worth preserving. I may never be able to repay what my friends have done for me nor forgive those who have betrayed me or hurt me but one thing's for sure I will never forget these Days of Thunder !!!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Who is the real hero
After giving a losing battle of carrom wid abhishek thot of refreshign myself by watching a movie. Searched the whole of many systems still found some sucking movies . But then suddenly i came across the VCDs of Zinda and thot of seeing the movie all over again . After watching the movie my mind has started racing again against the conventional thinking about the hero of the movie. No doubt both Sanjay Dutt and John Abraham had played their roles to perfection,they can be regarded as two hell of gud actors and the movie is worth watching but still I am not sure who is the actual hero of the movie. Is it Mr. Dutt or Mr. Abraham. All will say that Dutt jr. is the hero but i regard him as a villian in this movie. He did the wrong work which made lil reema chopra commit suicide and as any normal person (rather a heroic act) John took his revenge for his dead sister .And we all know the villain commits the crime while the hero saves the plot of the movie and is the charm of the scene and in this movie context, John is the hero . Isn't it ?
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